Mama l refuse to conform!

Ever since I could reason, I have always struggled with trying to fit in. Learning how to sit 'properly' as a girl, how not to be the loudest in the room, learning how to not question rules and norms. Unfortunately, this has led me to the worst times of my life. 

I have tried to be like everyone else, to act like a girl, to act my age and at some point I did. I taught myself how to let fear consume me until it closed my mouth. I forced myself to be silent even when I wanted to talk, how not to stand up for the things that mattered to me. I laughed at jokes that I did not find funny in order to please a friend, a boss or someone with low self esteem. I learnt so many things over the past years. Some, society had to teach me directly and some I forced myself to learn. Either way, I finally conformed.

After all the learning l was outwardly the same, l was just like everyone else, l dressed the same, spoke the same and did almost similar things with everyone else. At that point an inward war started, a battle of my mind, a battle that l was never prepared for, one l never thought l ever had to fight. l had won, but the price came with a twin l never wanted and I was officially, depressed. I had managed to fool everyone by acting like them but my mind could not cooperate, it refused to listen to all the new messages l was sending it to process so instead of being the peaceful quiet girl l was on the outside, my inside was burning, crying to let out the true me into the world , wanting to be left free to freely roam around the world and simply do what it was suppose to, live.

l suffered from depression for three years and those where the worst years of my life had dreamt and fought to be like everyone else, to want to follow the same tracks but what they never told me was where to stop , where to draw the line. They encouraged me to go out and play, to never come back home but what they never did was warn me to not stray too far away from home and because of that, l was lost. Lost to myself and found by the world! For three years l was a wanderer, neither here nor there. One minute l was trying to act like someone l had seen who looked all put together, or happy and the next trying to get back to a place in my mind that had previously given me happiness or peace and the worst part of this was this could happen in a split second leaving me so confused to the point of crying and sometimes l would actually break down and this would happen every minute, every hour and every day and it drove me to the point where l just wanted to kill myself. This might seem gibberish to a lot of you reading but to anyone that has ever been depressed, you understand perfectly the state Im describing, the point of just being lost. The world had succeeded in teaching me to be someone else so much so that l forgot who l was and that is the worst state of mind to be in. 

However, after all the pretense, the fighting, has been done l finally know and l can say, being different is the best gift God could have given to anyone and in our little ways, we all are. From how we express ourselves, to how we look, our gifts and talents, we are all unique. However there are always those ones that are too different, those that are always the squares in round holes, the ones that always seem to dance to a set of a different rhythm, only audible to themselves. Many people might not understand how this is a misfortune because these days being 'different' has been so glamorized, making it seem to be the coolest thing to be, that has also raised another challenge but l will address that in a later article. Being different in a group, an institution or a society brings a lot of castigation, rebuke and isolation from the concerned collective because of the simply reason humans are afraid of what they do not understand because that which they do not understand, they cannot control, and humans crave control. For those of us that are different we are forced to hide away those parts of us that are different because society has made examples and shown us the penalty that we will face if we do not conform and so it is either you conform or you face the gutter. 

After being able to conquer the depression l am proud to say being the different one has caused me the greatest struggle of my life but also the greatest blessings and happiness, never have l felt so liberated as when l am in my own skin, dancing to an inaudible rhythm and being loudly me. Join me on my journey as l learn to live again!