Women are not allowed to have feelings!
Do you remember your first time?
Yeah you do, your first kiss, the first time you made out with someone and ultimately the first time you had sex. Whichever first it is, we always remember it and for females it’s not usually a fond memory. For most of us it was to prove that we loved that guy, or some uncle forced himself on us, or that guy in a bar that we danced with who later followed us to the toilet and said we had begged for it. The point is, for most females, our firsts are always uncomfortable because WE LOSE OUR FIRSTS WITHOUT OUR CONSENT!
So, imagine my surprise when one of my closest sisters told me that she had lost her virginity to her friend, whom she had approached herself and told her intention to sleep together. How she had chosen every detail of how it was going to happen and how she knew her friend would make it about her and not himself. This was shocking to an eighteen year old me, who despite having declared that l was a feminist when l was eleven, I still found what my sister had done, shocking as many reading this will. This is because even in a world where we are slowly accepting women’s economic and political independence, sexual independence or rather bodily autonomy is still a taboo in a lot of African countries. Yes, we can try and accept the fact that she is a young woman, working a good job, driving her own car and has her own apartment but the minute it is known that she has any sexual relations the label quickly changes. The unwritten principle of society is, women are not allowed to have feelings! Except when the man in their lives wants them to. Other than that, they should remain machines!
But my sister had not only approached a man, she had chosen how and with whom she was going to lose her own virginity! A decision even married women are not easily given.
Our forefathers would have resurrected from their graves and called for her immediate expulsion from the clan had they heard this!
Unfortunately not much has changed since a century ago. Women’s bodies are still owned by the males in our society. They decide what we should wear, who we should have sex with, when and how. She who decides to go against this shall be called a whore!
I do not know why she chose to lose her virginity that way but l can only guess. I think she was scared. She was scared that having personally made decisions concerning her whole life herself, choosing never to conform to what society deemed a female if it was limiting her own choices.
She was scared that this would be the only decision she would not have power over, that her, like all the other females, would have to lose her first without her consent. So, like many feminists before her, she chose to make a statement, that her body was hers and hers alone and she was going to choose what would happen to it, how and with whom and by so doing, she took back her power!
What am l saying reader? I am saying nothing, nothing except that in a world where even your first is taken from you, you deserve to choose how all your other times are going to go. Now, what you choose to do with that information is simply up to you…Mask up!
We do have power deep inside as women,to shape our own reality and create the lives we want. Lovely piece.
ReplyDeleteSurprisingly it's the same with guys. Your first is not always easy. I remember my first time to propose love to a girl, I was 14, innocent like an angel.
ReplyDeleteMe being the older brother in my family it meant that I was all alone, no support or advice from any one. Only criticism and shaming from my peers, they will say I am afraid of girls, I am not man enough. To an extent that even girls started to feel the same, coz some would crush on me, but it would be hard for me to propose to them coz I have never done it before, I have no brother to help me gain confidence.
So it really disturbing to us guys.
Then the other thing is trying to be a good guy who is understanding in a relationship. You have a girlfriend, you then tell your self we will do sex when ever she is ready. This means that as a guy you do not make any sexual move to her, why? Because you don't want her to feel like you forcing her, so you play a good boy until some guy who doesn't play according to the rules take her out for few drinks and sleeps with her that very same night.
What I think is that, as individuals, what we want is different. Some want to play according to the rules while others are just roughriders in the game.
I say big up to your sister for knowing what she wanted and doing it exactly. Such things knows no gender, even guys face them.
Mmm thus true Sis, most cases we don't chose our first even later own it becomes hard as the pressure from home and friends becomes too much especial when we look at marriage . Some people believe you have to get married before you reach a certain age when you are older than that pressure becomes too much as they think no one will marry you as you are too old . Thank you for writing this.
ReplyDeleteInteresting read..society does have double standards built it into it, while its permissible for males to express their needs and feelings it bars women to do the same. This would upset the status quo that society through structures and roles seeks to reinforce
ReplyDeleteAm one chap who is waiting to see a womana who would dare do that. Knowing our African women and our cultural context, it will take two centuries to arrive at such kevels of independence for the genarality of our women.
ReplyDeleteI think it is a loooong shot to expect an African woman to be that direct and free. Of coz one in amillion may do that but the rest are in the tentacles of tradition.
ReplyDeleteReminds me of a friend who did that ,helped her not regret l guess
ReplyDeleteYeah that's true woman definitely should live there lives ....am impressed.
ReplyDeleteWell said Delroy!
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